Escapism
February 10th, 2023
When I stop and think about something for a little longer than a cursory and surface-deep glance at the problem and longer than time just enough to compartment it into the recess of my mind, I can come to very interesting conclusions. That happened yesterday evening when I realized that I’d been engaging myself in an elaborate game of escapism. I keep myself busy and occupied and am quite happy with it. I even see that the day is never long enough for me to do all I would want to. I make choices to engage in this or that, all the while knowing that I do all that to avoid thinking in depth about what is important and special to avoid about thinking about new things and ideas and coming to my own conclusions about them. I realized that my thoughts are mostly recycled from distilled information I gather from the thoughts of others — from books and articles and web pages. And there is a place for all that — I read as it is almost an addiction, but that doesn’t give me time to engage my mind in understanding and creativity based on what I already know. It is almost like I avoid thinking about what bothers or interests me before I do research on a given subject. And there is a place for that — but just relying on the thoughts of others makes my mind anthropic and I see my creativity diminished as well.
What the hell am I escaping from? For taking responsibility for my thoughts, since it is safer to use regurgitated thoughts from all the books I read? For finding the truth about my creativity, or lack thereof? That is stupid. I know what I have and I have shown and proved it to myself many times before. I can be creative and smart and intrusive and probing and groundbreaking and profound and contrary and insightful and rebellious and defiant and lyrical and convincing and charismatic. There is nothing wrong with me, but still, I look for an easy and safe, and comfortable way — in living and thinking and being. Why do I look for ways to occupy my time gathering knowledge — and there is nothing wrong with that — without stopping just to think for me? I just engage in escapism, sweet and fuzzy and well-fitting escapism. I do get something in return — like topics for the daily blog posts — but that is not nearly enough. I keep my mind sharp and my imagination is encompassing and my knowledge is vast and yet I still need more than that.
