Failure

April 6th

I feel like such a failure. No, I didn’t give in to my addiction. Yes, I am staying still sober. But a failure nonetheless. I didn’t set my boundaries again. Again, I let myself be controlled by others. Again, I didn’t react when told “you will do this”, “you will go there”, “you will drive there”, “you will meet them”, and “you will take us there”. There was no question about what I wanted, what my plans were, and if I can do it. I was just told what to do and when, and it was expected that I will say “yes”. And I said yes. With no regard to my plans or needs. I felt like it was expected of me, and I played along. I didn’t want to disappoint. And there was no question — “if I can, is it possible for me, will it be ok for me?”. I was simply told something, and I had no balls to say no. So, now I am complaining here. Instead of responding to the situation when it actually happened. Even in the end, when I was rhetorically asked, “are you sure it is ok for you?”, I still said nothing. I let myself be controlled by another person and talked into doing something I don’t like. Now I am angry and stewing inside. It is too late to say NO now. Again, I didn’t react as I was supposed to. I didn’t react to this situation like I planned to act.

And I feel like a failure. And I need to take a deep breath and accept it and promise myself that next time I will act like I want to and like I am in control of my actions. The thing is, I made this promise to myself many times before. And time after time, I failed. But I need to let go of the anger — I feel emotionally drained already, and I feel like I am getting winded up and triggered again. I let myself down and the awareness of it is deeply unpleasant.