Fear leads to panic
October 22nd, 2023
Fear leads to panic, panic leads to pain,
Pain leads to anger, anger leads to hate.
That is the best description of what ails me. I am aware of those internal forces and that is a good first step in finding a therapeutic outlet to better my emotions and better myself.
I have numerous fears, some rational, but mostly irrational. This is something that is deeply ingrained in my psyche — looking for only the worst possible outcome and feeding the fear inside. That and a lack of control over things which initiates the fear process.
Fear brings pain. Pain because of me straight-up being scared of things that are happening around me and to other people. The pain of realizing how easy it is to control and hurt myself and others. That and a lack of control over fear, which initiated the whole process.
Pain leads to anger — it is true that a wounded animal is the most dangerous one. I feel like lashing out at anybody who crosses me or looks at me wrong. I know that aggression (not acted out outside my head) is just a cover and a band-aid for a lack of control over fear and pain.
From anger — which can be righteous on occasion — there is only a small step to hate. And there is no turning back from hate once it takes over the rational thinking and emotional state. Hate is a definition and clear admittance of lack of control over anger and pain and anger.
I wonder if I hate — something or somebody. Hating is not even entertaining the idea that the other side might change or is in any way equal to my side. Hate is removing humanity from opposite sides without any potential for dialogue or tolerance.
I don't think I am there yet, but I hover over the threshold I don't want to cross — since that would mean losing my humanity in the process. And that would lead to fear again — fear of myself and my actions — and that would start the circle of despondency again.
That would eventually lead to me hating myself, and I will not let it happen. Or I don't want this to happen. I want to break out of this viciousness before it is too late.
