Fear of selfishness

May 5th

I am not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, and yet I feel and fear that any visible show of selfishness is a sin. I think selfishness is a fundamental error in being a human being who lives in a society. That feeling was in my head as far as I can look back at my conscious thinking. It was always what I can give to others, what I can do for other people, and how can I share what I have with those less fortunate. It was never a question of what I do for others is what I actually want. I always strived to be (or to be perceived) a helpful and altruistic person.

In itself, there’s nothing wrong with altruism and trying to make the lives of others a little easier. I mean, we are in a society — for better or worse, but we all are in this together. The same with family relations. They expected me to be an obedient son, grandson, or cousin and sacrifice my time and energy for others. And I was the oldest of my siblings, so it was expected as well that I need to strive to make their lives easier and smoother.

I don’t think that I ever even thought that it can be any different. It was expected of me, and by me as well. I was shown as an example of a dutiful son or a brother or a student. Not going to lie — that made me feel good about myself, but it never made me feel good inside myself. I had no idea that it can be any different. Any time I would finally do something for myself, that was always conditioned and justified by more sacrifices before and after my moment of happiness. I felt that even sharing the good things I would do for myself (very infrequently, anyway) with others was out of place for a good and properly behaved person. Not even bragging, just showing that I could enjoy something always felt wrong and shameful.

And I suffered without even knowing that there is something wrong with me. I just assumed that sacrifice for others is normal behavior. I mean — I would be told by my mom and grandma how much they sacrificed themselves for me and the family and the others, so it was normal for me that it would be my turn now to sacrifice my wants and needs for benefit of others. It was only fair, as I understood it.

I am aware of the stupidity and dysfunction of this way of thinking now. But being aware of it and actually doing something about it, is in this case for me still very far apart. I feel dirty just writing about this. It is still beyond my comprehension that I might be even a little selfish for my own benefit, not hide it and enjoy it.