February 11th
I feel better, much better today. I was able to get 9 hours of work, and to visit my mom. I went for a walk with my dog as well even though it’s freezing cold.
Those are small things but important to me, I see I am not giving up. I keep my sobriety, I want good things for myself. I am not afraid to think positive thoughts — even about myself.
I know that in a long run all the things that happen at work will get to me. Maybe I will not go back to my addiction, but I will definitely lose my sanity and my will — will to achieve more for myself than just a paycheck…
I want to grow, I want to develop myself — into what? A better or more interesting person? No, I want to develop myself into a happy and content person. Happy with who I am and content with what I have.
I will never achieve this by working in the corporation environment. And especially with that fucking bitch as my boss.
Actually I am surprised that it took so long for this to come up — she obviously knew about my addiction, a need for my medical leave for an inpatient therapy. She knows my weakness now and for the last several days she’s been using it to get to me — to show that every mistake I make or potentially can make might something to do my addiction and that I could be relapsing.
Of course this is not true. I keep up at my sobriety. I know that I don’t need to prove anything to anybody and especially her, but on the other hand I don’t need this distraction and this distrust from her. That what’s laid a foundation for my recent panic attack and depression. I really don’t need this in my life.
The toxicity that my boss embodies makes me sick, makes all around her sick. That’s why she is alone and has time to work 12 hours a day and weekends and holidays… just to put some meaning into her empty life. I don’t need her to poison my life and attack my self-worth.
That means — for the near future looking for a new job is my number one priority (ok, for next 2 weeks getting my driver’s license back is my priority), but I can and will start working on my CV already and look for my options. Then — full energy for finding new job, I know it will be successful and that’s exactly what I need in my life to make another step in my recovery.
