February 13th
Listen you kids, you had it easy (by kids I mean everybody younger than me). You cannot understand my hardships growing up — there was no internet yet, and being a teenager in Poland I had access to only 4 radio stations (of which 2 played rock music, and mostly Polish rock as well). Occasionally I could get a good reception on Radio Luxembourg that played modern rock/pop music I couldn’t listen anywhere else on Polish radio stations (that’s how I discovered O.M.D. for example).
When I was 18 I arrived in the United States, you can imagine how I felt when I could listen to American radio stations. And I did — non-stop. Not only new, current top music but also all the rock classics. It was so amazing to discover new and wonderful music and artists every day, or every hour even. I had a good memory then, so I could put all I listened to in order, and finally I had a good understanding of music history.
I remember well New York City radio stations like Q104,3 — that’s classic rock; 92,3 K-Rock — that’s modern/alternative rock; 102,7 WNEW — that’s so called “adult contemporary” now, but it was an excellent rock music radio station in the 90s. And of course the DJs — Dave Herman, Richard Neer, Peter Fornatale, Carol Miller, Meg Griffin, Dennis Elsas and my favourite radio personality — Vin Scelsa. My god, I am getting so nostalgic, and I feel myself welling up here just thinking about it….
I also started to buy records, CDs were already popular so would spend so much money at Tower Records either on the East 4th and Broadway in NYC or on Route 17 in Paramus, New Jersey. By accident, I discovered that there are still vinyl LPs you could buy for a dollar per record at the Salvation Army stores and that way I built a formidable record collection on the cheap.
I don’t remember exactly when and where I bought “Hunky Dory” LP by David Bowie, but I remember that for a long while I would only listen to the opening song. It’s ironic, now when I think about it, that song “Changes” has many melodic and rhythmic changes, all the while keeping it together as a wonderful example of pop music art. Still love this song after all those years.
I had a lot of changes in my life, I had to reinvent myself and my life and my environment many, many times. Unfortunately, most of those changes were forced on me, either by actions of others but mostly by my stupid mistakes and my idiocy and my addiction and basically by my fucked up screw ups… What was worse, I didn’t see them coming, I wasn’t ready whey they happened. And I hated those times I had to uproot myself and my life and start anew.
It’s different now — that’s what I took from today’s therapy session with Ada. The fact itself that I go to therapy is a huge change for me — previously I would either think that I don’t need any professional help, or I would ignore what others were trying to tell me. Not anymore — I look forward to my therapy, to what Ada can tell me and I engage in all I discover there as part of my recovery.
The biggest change is of course that I don’t drink anymore. And that I know I can live without alcohol. That I can like myself sober, that I can see how my life is better now. That I have so many opportunities now when I don’t drink.
All that was my choice — I wanted to stop my addiction and asked and got help. Same thing now — I can and will accept changes in my life — on my terms. I won’t be waiting for something to happen, I will make it happen myself when and how I want it. I will not be afraid of new, different things and situations. I will embrace changes and reinvent my life for better.
I wrote all that to say that I hate my job and my boss and need a new job and a clean start. I already started to send out my CVs, I am ready to leave the corporate world and even take step back in my professional life if I need to — for my sanity and my health and my recovery.
