February 21st

“What are you afraid of? What is the worst that can happen?” — simple question from Ada, my therapist, asked during our Saturday’s session. It’s been in my head since then, I’ve been asking myself that constantly and trying to analyze and understand that emotion. It’s not easy especially since I stopped drinking I experience my feelings and emotions in a completely new and surprising ways.

Obviously there are things that I cannot control that I am afraid of —

• Illness, either mine of a loved one
• accidents
• political upheavals and restrictions
• random violence

Possibility of any of them happening is minuscule but, yeah — I sometimes worry about it. On the other hand I am more aware that this kind of catastrophic thinking is not good for my mind and overall well-being, so I try to control it and stop my mind from making apocalyptic scenarios in my head — and I can see a very good progress on that.

From immediate things/persons in my life that scare me, and yet where I do have control over them is my boss. I think I mentioned that before that I hate that bitch — that toxic, loud, over demanding and overbearing perfectionist that yet has her sad, single personal life in complete disarray, who poisons everything and everyone around her with her negativity and who cannot stand other people being happy, who loses her mind if she cannot be in control — that bitch.

I am afraid of her, I’ve noticed recently that when she finds another problem with my work my hands become to shake, I want to respond to her criticism and I cannot speak up or find right words at the moment all that is happening.

I already made a huge change in my behavior and I work hard on my assertiveness and self-worth with very positive results, but with her having another imaginary problem with me — I feel belittled, like a kid being scolded by a parent in public, like a failure and an imposter, like a worthless person. I guess that’s one of the problems — I don’t want to make a scene, I don’t want to have an argument in public, and I am not quick enough with my arguments when she talks very fast and loud. She loves it when she can put down another person in a way so everybody in the office can see it or hear it. I guess she needs this kind of self validation that she is somebody and her life means something. Sick, weak, toxic bitch…

But what am I really afraid of? What is the worst that can happen? What is the worst that she can do? She can fire me obviously — but would I care? I hate working there so not really. She can make me work there even more nervous than it’s now — by checking and demanding answers to every single thing I do there — but I can always quit the job I hate so again, there is no problem. I have enough experience and knowledge that I should be able to find a new job easily, and I have enough savings to see me through at least six (or more) months of my normal living style.

I cannot one person define my happiness and unhappiness by her behavior. Even this weekend, instead of enjoying free time, I think about the situation at work and her actions and that winds me up — ant that is a huge problem in my recovery. My health and well-being and my recovery is the most important thing to me in my life now. It’s about time for me to be in control.

On Wednesday 24.02 I have a yearly review of my work with her — I am very curious how it will go down, I feel ready and less afraid than I was even before writing this. I will stand up for myself and my happiness.