February 27th
Someone who is not addicted will never understand an addict…
There is a real struggle every day to stay sober, not to give in. Not to lose myself again, to keep my recovery. Yes, it gets easier every day — I learn about myself and use that knowledge to react accordingly to things around me, to my triggers and cravings, but I need to watch myself very carefully. And I will have to live with this for the rest of my life.
The day started very well, it was sunny, I wasn’t thinking and overanalyzing situation at work, got a nice haircut — everything seemed good. I started doing some work in the garden and the outbuilding as I planned. There is a lot of work there after this very tough winter.
I guess it was a culmination of things — I saw an old, empty beer bottle somewhere in the outbuilding, that made me uneasy. Secondly — any work in the garden and the outbuilding is connected to my drinking. Alcohol was my reward after a tough day working there and also the outbuilding was my storage and hiding place for alcohol. And this feeling came from nowhere — I started feeling dizzy, lightheaded. I started to think — not about drinking or any pleasure that might give me — but about giving up my recovery and sobriety. I thought that “well, I am an alcoholic, being addicted is all I know, why should I keep that charade of normalcy, what is the point of all that struggle, I know I will not get pleasure from drinking but let do it anyway… I need it to go back to what I know and all I know is drinking”.
It was a fury of those depressing and unpleasant thoughts, I wasn’t sure what to do. I thought about maybe just going to bed and staying there, suffering in silence from this craving. But I kept working, doing this and that (most challenging was taking down all the outside Christmas light), and after a couple of minutes I stopped thinking about alcohol, I wasn’t even aware of any discomfort in my mood and feelings anymore. I started getting this very wonderful feeling of power and strength. I felt calm and at ease. Actually I stopped myself from doing too much of work — I wanted to keep myself from being overtired since that is also one of my triggers.
That’s another lesson for me — triggers are everywhere, I need to be careful of that. And again I realized that any crisis will pass, I cannot give in to any temptation and keep going about my life clear message — “I will not drink!”. Any crisis and any weakness perceived by my mind will pass. I will not give up!
