February 9th

I am glad I am still here, that I didn’t do anything rash or stupid yesterday.

I had a panic attack coupled with a crippling depression last evening and night.

I couldn’t think or talk or even call somebody. I was paralyzed with fear and my body was trembling.

I can still feel it today, on a smaller scale, but it’s there.

My anxiety is very high, I am thinking about setting an appointment with a psychiatrist.

I don’t think it had to do with my addiction and recovery per se — but definitely it had to do with a reaction from my boss — every single mistake I made, not only she caught it, but also it seems she thinks it has to do with my addiction and relapse (in her mind).

I feel terrible and down, I just want to lay down and sleep and not think…