Forgetting myself
April 3rd, 2024
This is a good, but very rare thing for me. I can notice it only after the fact. Most of the time, I am hyper-aware of myself and my place within any given situation. I am hyper-aware of where I am, with whom I am there, what my exact surroundings are, and what the emotional state is in me or the relationship between me and others (if there are others, of course — many times when alone my hyper-awareness goes into overdrive). I am also very aware of how I affect others and how others can see me. It is hard work, and counterintuitive to my overall well-being, but one that I know very well and feel extremely comfortable with.
On occasion, I catch myself realizing that an hour or more has passed, and I am not aware of how and when and in what matter. Sometimes I become so engrossed in a particular thing — reading, writing, watching, exploring, even working occasionally — that I lose awareness of myself and my surroundings. I no longer react to whims and the presence of others, or lack thereof. On a fundamental level, I leave that part of my mind that settles me (or chains me) in a given situation and concentrate only on what is within my sight and grasp. I let myself go off of all coherent concerns. Only my thinking remains, but different than usual — my thinking then expresses truth in itself and not what I decide to think. Only then can I feel the glimpses of being truly myself, without any (mostly false or imaginary) handicaps or hangups. My mind and my emotions survive and even thrive then, despite (or because) having no account of what I ought to think or feel. I think then my self-awareness is even more acute, but directed inside myself. I don't care about anything outside of my singularity.
