Frustration

November 18th, 2023

I still do it — I get frustrated so easily. I know the pointlessness of it, but once frustration starts, I cannot help myself. Within seconds, I start to be angry and curt, my hot-headedness boils me from the inside and spills into all I do. I stop listening and reading and raise my voice in an obnoxious manner against those who only want to help and are dear to me.

That happened today when I was asked to help with some household chores for my mom. Once I started, the frustration spiraled out of control so much that the second I was done with work there, I just left. I walked for a while and thought about it, all the while steaming inside, trying to figure out the real reasons for this happening. And I did —

I was in reality frustrated with myself.

Six or seven years ago, my mom had a complete house renovation done. At the time, I knew that it was done in the wrong way — the company doing it was shady and incompetent, they charged way too much for the work they did, and almost as soon as they were done, it was me who had to do the repairs and clean the mess after them — as it was the case today where a simple job was made difficult by incompetent work done years ago by somebody else. I was vocal about this when the renovation took place, but I was told to mind my own business. My concerns were unheard, I think mostly because I was constantly drunk then. I am sure that if then I was like I am now — sober and reliable, things might be different. So frustration today has its basis in the past and in the way I was then. Of course, I cannot change the past (yet…), and I quite like the person I have become since I tackled my addiction. There is nothing that can cause me frustration with myself as I am currently, so there is no reason for me to be frustrated with a person I once was. I went back to Mom’s for a nice dinner, and feel calm and composed now. I feel good about myself.