Gift giving (part 2)

February 2nd, 2024

For all the issues and troubles and confusion I have with giving and receiving gifts to and from others, that is nothing when it comes to giving gifts to myself. I can barely accept the fact that I can and should give myself gifts once in a while. I cannot bring myself to the actual act of presenting myself with a gift of any kind. I always try to find a utilitarian use or some kind of need for a particular gift I give myself as a required explanation or an excuse for it. There is nothing spontaneous or sentimental or pointless about gifts I give myself.

Not only that, but there is also a long time when I ask myself hundreds of questions if I really need it, or if I deserve it, before grudgingly giving in and gifting myself something. I always think that maybe somebody else could use it better, or I could spend my money or time or energy in a more proper and boring way than with a gift to myself. That applies to the gift of free time and the gift of laziness as well. Even if that is something that doesn't cost me anything, or rather it will bring me rest and relaxation and peace of mind — I still am very reluctant to grant this kind of gift to myself.

I know what I do is silly, or stupid. Or both in this case. I think I might be compensating for all the years when I gave in to all the indulgences I could think of or could afford. But is fulfilling physical and addictive pleasures really gift-giving? Every single time afterward, I would suffer dire consequences, but would never learn a lesson. And then, to ease the pain, I would indulge in something else based only on physical reactions and then suffer even more. It was a vicious and self-perpetuating circle. Is that the reason I am so apprehensive about positively indulging myself now?