Happy, happy, joy, joy

February 5th, 2023

For a while yesterday I was angry. That passed quickly — I am well aware of my moods and a need to control them and I watch myself closely not to let any particular emotion take over my consciousness. So anger turned into disappointment, then into disillusion, and finally into resignation. After that, I grumpily came to terms with the acceptance that society and people will have faults that affect me and there is nothing I can do about it. And then soon after that — I experienced pure joy and happiness that I let linger in my psyche and I still feel the residual effect of that utmost bliss even today. A rollercoaster of emotions you might say, which perfectly ended up on a high note.

Yesterday I held in my arms a just-made and brand-new human being. She is 17 days old today and she still cannot keep eye contact but she smiles, wiggles her toes and with surprising strength grabs fingers with her tiny hands. She burps and farts and shits (and all that is just cute) and shimmies from side to side when held. She is a real person, and she is my niece and I am her uncle. That is the first time for me to be an uncle. And I already decided I will be a “cool” uncle to Maja and that is the role I can play perfectly. I just couldn't help but smile all the time I was there visiting her and my sister and my brother-in-law for the first time after her birth. And they were also happy, dead tired as new parents are, but so happy and warm, and both were just positively glowing with love and affection. Maja didn't care much yet, but she didn't have to — she is surrounded by love and care and tenderness and I am just so happy I can be a small part of it, and help as much I can whenever my help might be needed.

I guess that is another realization to me of what is important, what is permanent and what should I care about. I worry with deep anxiety about a lot of things in my life. Most of (if not all) of those things which bring that uneasiness to me are not really worth my time and my emotions and my mind at all. And yet I let them be of deep concern and let them influence my life and the way I am and behave and react. And then comes along this tiny bundle of joy, that vicariously makes me happy and protective and helps me reassign worries and needs and wants in my mind. That is important, I don't want to lose it and I don't want ever to forget it.