Holding back the tears

January 23rd, 2023

I am not sure what happened, but there was a moment today at work when out of a sudden I felt just like crying. I could feel the welling in my eyes and even some gentle wetness around my eyelashes as I furtively tried to avoid the scene. I looked outside at the dreary landscape of industrial and office buildings, completely wet and grey and hopeless but no different than it was on previous days. I was different, my emotions were sudden and unexpected. I was ok after a minute or so, but I am still surprised at what happened. Especially because nothing really happened to make this happen.

But let's walk back step by step, maybe I will find the reason for it — today at work was a normal, pointless day — nothing untoward happened. The previous night was pretty bad — I had trouble falling asleep and was tossing and turning all night, but there was nothing particular that was on my mind. The weekend was fine, not spectacular but above normal — and I was very surprised at how well I felt on Sunday evening (which is usually a really bad time for me). I wasn't happy, but quite ok and content with my life and everything in general. The week previous to that — well, a lot of things happened, some good, some bad, some I already accepted as things beyond my control, some I haven't come to terms with just yet. But it was nothing major, nothing that would constantly gnaw at my consciousness and my thinking, nothing that could be a trigger for my addiction to rise up its ugly head. Just stuff, normal stuff we need to face and deal with every day. Maybe there were too many things at once? Small things slowly starting an emotional avalanche without me even realizing it? Maybe I am still hiding the truth somewhere and haven't admitted something to myself. I don't know, and writing it down didn't help. Maybe I should let myself cry and be sad and feel powerless for a moment. I know I don't need to pretend that I am strong and capable of taking care of everything, nor do I want to. It is just so hard to let go of something that was a big part of my fake life for so many years. I have made some adjustments, but still want to be in control, or feel like I am in control of everything.

I am not, not all the time, and not with everything. I guess I forgot about it over the weekend. I cannot help everybody, I cannot make everybody happy. What I can do is concentrate on myself. Putting my needs and wants behind what other people might need or want is something that led me on a downward spiral to destruction. I stopped the descent and was able to keep my head above the water. I’ll be damned if I ever let myself go this wrong path again.