How much “myself” is in me?

January 26th

„In evolutionary prehistory, consciousness emerged as a side effect of language. Today it is a by-product of the media.“

John Gray, book Straw Dogs: Thoughts on Humans and Other Animals

I don’t quite remember life and the world itself before the overwhelming media presence and emergence of social media. I think that turning point for me was in the late 1990s — since I clearly remember all media coverage and my presence on social media during the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Before that, I would get my news and knowledge and the tools to shape my conscious viewpoint from newspapers and books and occasional newscasts on TV.

And thinking. Just thinking about stuff. Imagining stuff as well. Trying to preserve my thought in memory or on the scraps of paper so could research them further in the library. My thoughts were more organized, and I didn't feel a need to share them until I was comfortable that I was happy with the logical conclusion and my thorough analysis. And then if and when I shared them, it was only with a selected group of close friends — never more than three or four of them. They would politely listen and then ignore it and go about their lives as I was happy for an audience just for a moment. That was a pretty good deal for both parties.

And then about twenty years ago everything changed. The constant barrage of new information is usually shouted and presented as catastrophic. Opinions masked as news, news masked as a personal promotion. The voice was given no to the downtrodden and unheard but to loudest and shameless. Or maybe the oppressed need to be loud and obnoxious to cover their fear of being found out and put back in their place? I don’t know and actually don’t want to find out. I gave up on social media and mainstream media and most independent media. Officially my reason was that I was wasting too much of my time doing that but in reality, I just got tired of lies and bullshit. Everybody with a media platform lies, and I don’t want to shift through shit to find something worthy of my time. But the residue of media brain-washing stays in me.

I think that I see it most clearly in my lost ability to form opinions and independent thoughts. I still check myself analyzing what I think is “marketable” to others and how it will be seen. Am I on the right side of what today is “right and correct”, will someone anonymous be offended by my thoughts? I am not sure how much of my thoughts are actually mine and not just a projection of media voice that stuck in my head. I sorely need more time for myself and quietness from voices and opinions around me.