Hurt
August 24th
I am hurt.
I am hurt physically. For the last couple of months, I’ve had pain in my left elbow. Pain that now migrated to my left shoulder blade. Today I feel quite ok, but on Sunday I could barely move. With each move, the pain would radiate from my left shoulder blade to my whole left side. Even the slightest turn, would cause me to grasp for air and grind my teeth in pain. Today I visited my doctor, and she seemed very concerned about it. I already had some tests done, and now I am scheduled for a visit with a neurologist, and more tests will be forthcoming. I also noticed that my strength in the left arm is diminishing and is less than the strength in my right arm. Disturbingly, I also frequently lose grip in my left hand and (I noticed that just now) have a problem with typing — missing keys or sticking the same key a couple of times in a row while typing, and that happens only with my fingers on the left hand. Most likely, as my doctor had said — it is a degenerative spine disorder. And that is not good…
I am also hurt emotionally and mentally by something a guy at work said today. Said about me — that I am binary. Not in a gender, non-binary way. But binary as in zero-one way. Basically, he thinks that I follow orders at work, without any creativity. I stick to the rules and regulations and procedures and for me — there is either a good and proper way of doing things or no way at all. And that is something holding me back. Of course, he also had a good explanation for it — I am muzzled from doing any creative, out-of-the-box thinking and working by my boss. And my boss is a stickler to the rules (but only when it fits her) so I know that I need to follow her requirements. I was hurt by those words. I was hurt by the way I am seen by this guy, and maybe by others as well. For sure, I don’t want to be the dull, predictable guy who will shut down any attempts at creativity. I think I am also hurt because what he said is true, and I knew it and avoided thinking about it for a long time. And now, it was brought out by somebody else. So now I have to face self-analysis and take action if needed.
