I am afraid to look around

February 17th, 2023

I have to remind myself to keep looking forward. To keep my eyes looking straight ahead. As long as I do that, I am in control and I get to choose what I want to see. And for how long and with what kind of intensity? I see sights that are predictable and follow each other in an orderly fashion. If there is something askew within my sight, all I need to do is to look above it or below it or slightly to one side or the other to feast my eyes on another stimulus to register and for my brain to comprehend. That way I can ignore what is in my sight that I don’t want to see and still have a view and understanding of what lies ahead.

But when in a moment of carelessness I turn and look around to the left or to the right, many times I am surprised by unexpected and unwelcomed sights. I cannot prepare for what comes into my sight, or cannot easily ignore it since it just appears right there and is processed by my brain as an unvarnished reflection of reality. And that reality is usually ugly, ragged, dirty, soiled, stained, grey and cold, and filled with garbage and brutality and anger and banality and violence and evilness. Or I could forgo those adjectives and just THE REALITY. I think it should be enough for me to be aware of its existence without actually having it in my sight. I don't like seeing unpleasant things, no matter how real they are.