I am so gullible

October 21st

It is terrifying, the way I try to see good and positive change in others with unlimited credulity on my side. I guess it is because I WANT them to be good and changed, and we all can live in harmony in a fairy-tale world. Of course, that never works — and I should know better. And yet, I still give people the benefit of the doubt and expect something better. Or if not better, then at least neutral. I feel disappointed again — at this particular person and at myself as well. I gave my expectations of another person a chance and was brought to earth quickly and painfully.

I don’t know what to say anymore, I feel terribly hurt and disillusioned and am a nervous wreck now. And it will not go away just because the weekend is coming up — we are supposed to meet face-to-face late next week to try to resolve those issues. I know that I will mull it over in my head over the next few days, and my plan is only not to let it consume me completely. And then for next week, I don’t know what to expect from the upcoming conversation — I will try not to think about it and try not to make up different scenarios in my head to wind up myself. But something is crystallizing in my head — I might do something radical, like telling the truth. Right to the face in front of me. Finally.

That already feels like a relief, just thinking about it.