I cannot help myself…

February 8yh, 2024

Over the years, I have suffered from a variety of mental disorders — some imaginary, some real, and all self-diagnosed. They gave me an easy explanation and excuse for my behavior. I simply couldn't help myself behaving the way I was because I was sick. And I wouldn't get help, because who could possibly help poor and pitiful me with all the issues and problems in my head? That changed three and a half years ago when, finally, with professional help, I was able to understand and pinpoint the reason for my (mostly self-destructive) behavior. That was the beginning of my recovery from addiction and let me work on other problems — which suddenly were not life-threatening or impossible to manage. Imagine that…

Now, I am doing fine. I still have different issues with myself — mostly with low self-esteem and trust towards others and with internal anger management. I am making strides and for every step back (and those are numerous) I make two steps forward (and they are sweet and fulfilling). Of course — I wouldn't be myself if I wasn't trying to shatter my good emotional state by imagining something wrong about myself. And the latest issue I found about myself is that I suffer from imposter syndrome. Really. And I can prove it. I mean — look at me, I am in a position at work for which I have no experience or qualifications. I feel like I am winging it daily, pretending I know what I am doing and what I am saying and just waiting for everything to come crashing down.

I know that is stupid, and yet I still mull it over and over in my mind. As I said — I cannot help it. Or is it just another convenient excuse for doing nothing about the issue at hand, and only sulking in the corner, or on the anonymous internet blog site? Maybe something can be done about it? Maybe all I need is to try. Nah, that sounds too easy… But if it is so easy, then why not try it? I have nothing to lose, I guess.