I cannot write stories…

November 19th, 2023

… or my musings, or my thoughts, or my ideas without constant reflection on myself. I mean, if it is not about me, or it doesn't relate to me in some way (a way I can spin to point at me), then I cannot write anything at all. It has to be about me, no matter what the subject is and it doesn't matter what I want to convey — I have to be left, right, and center of any attempt at creativity. I cannot write anything from a different point of view than mine without making it in some convoluted way about me. I can try to do it, but no matter how careful I am not to put myself into the story (or avoid comparing that story to something that happened to me, or my particular emotional state). I cannot leave aside my self for a moment without losing interest and being immediately bored with my writings.

I guess I have no empathy. That is a strange conclusion, since I pride myself on being an emphatic and compassionate guy. In fact, in many cases, I feel I have too much empathy and compassion and understanding towards others. I consider this my handicap, something that holds me back from achieving more than I already have done. I wish I could just walk on by without a care and a second thought about my fellow human beings. And yet, I simply cannot bring into my mind and into my imagination a point of view that might be slightly different than mine. I cannot really understand and feel even a minuscule amount of what others feel and think. I don't even try anymore. If I cannot put myself in somebody else's shoes, then what kind of empathy do I claim to have? That is strange and confusing. I think all that might stem from thinking that I know the best, and nobody else can be as right as I am right about everything. That is where the confusion starts — because I do know the best and I do know what is right for everybody. That cannot even be my hubris, since that is the clear truth…