I have to be careful about Francisco Goya

May 13th, 2023

There are things I cannot do — like dancing or singing. There are things I shouldn't do — like dancing or singing (but I do them anyway when I am positively sure no one can see or hear me). And there are things I don't want to do — because I know they will bring me anxiety and will trouble my mind. Among them are specific works of art —

There are two songs I know I don't want to listen to anymore. I cannot listen to them because they will bring too many extremely painful memories and I will be an emotional mess. One is “Famous Blue Raincoat” by Leonard Cohen, and the other is “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” as interpreted by Roberta Flack. It is a pity since those are amazing songs, but I made a conscious decision never to listen to them again.

And there is a painting by Francisco Goya that I saw once as a reproduction in a book and it was only a glance before I turned over the page, knowing that I cannot continue looking at it. I thought about this painting a lot over the years, but I kept the promise I made to myself never to look at it again. And that was not easy since I love Goya’s art, especially his Black Paintings, of which this particular painting is a part.

I remember this painting only from a cursory glance years ago, but it still encapsulates the horror of life and death as nothing I’ve seen before or since. And I saw a lot of paintings showing the unspeakable cruelty of humankind. And a lot of photos as well — showing what we humans are capable of inflicting on others. But nothing moved me or made me shiver with anger and pity like this painting. Look it up if you want to but you’ve been warned —

The Drowning Dog by Francisco Goya.