I should have known…

September 30th, 2023

Our dreams are archetypal projections of our unconsciousness and dreams and desires and fears. So I should have known that something was brewing in my mind when, about two weeks ago, I had a series of vivid dreams. Dreams are not something unusual per se — but for me, they come as a surprise. I rarely dream, or rather I rarely remember anything I might have dreamt overnight. I shouldn't just shrug off the fact of waking up and remembering my dreams for several mornings in a row, but that is what I did — I mean I mentioned it to my therapist, but we came to the conclusion that it was just an aberration, something to monitor and not put too much weight on it. Those dreams were mostly unpleasant — they were about being hurt, about being lost, about losing something, about not having control and just being pushed around, about not fitting in with the group of people around me. There was one dream that was pleasant but sad at the same time — it was a dream about my friend Michal. We were very close for years, then we went our different ways, and then we reconnected — but that was already when he was dying from cancer. He died about four years ago and I hadn't had any dreams about him until a couple of weeks ago. So the subject of the dream was sad, but its content wasn't — we had a nice chat and he seemed happy as a ghost in my dream.

So, something had been up in my mind for at least a couple of weeks. I cannot put my finger on what could have been a trigger for it. Nothing out of the ordinary stands out. But everything happens for a reason, right? That means something happened for my mind to react the way it did and to finally bring a crisis which effects I still suffer from today. If I could just figure out what happened, and what was the trigger for all that malarkey and my emotional turmoil…