Internally tired

February 15th, 2023

I am fine. No, really — wholly and completely fine. No problems at all with me. Just totally and perfectly fine. I am fine, everything is fine, I can deal with everything and everyone with a smile and energy and happiness.

And if that is so, why the hell am I so weary and irritable all the time, why getting from bed in the morning becomes a chore and why do I snip venomously at everyone who has the misfortune to get slightly in my way?

I do feel a new load of energy already brewing inside me. The days are longer, there is some nice sunshine every couple of days, snow is gone from the ground and memory and it gets pleasantly warm.

But there is this tiring exhaustion in everything I do and experience. Slight discomforts become unbearable pain, imaginary slights become unforgiving curses needing relentless revenge from me (in my mind only).

I was under a lot of pressure for the last several months. I was holding up fine. I took care of everything I needed to (not necessarily what I wanted to though…). I had time for myself and for relaxation as well. Really and seriously I thought I was doing fine. And apparently, I wasn't. I can feel it today, with relentless fatigue spreading all over me. My body doesn't lie to me anymore (I still occasionally don't know how to listen to it) and it is telling me — STOP. Full stop. Enough. Rest. Be lazy. Don't be stupid.

And all those are fine pieces of advice I will follow.