It is always the “other” people.

June 27th, 2024

I can deal with myself. With my successes and my failings and my indifferences. I know what to expect from myself. Well, mostly I know what I am capable of, but still, once in a while, I surprise myself — in recent years, mostly positively. I know what to say to myself to chastise myself or to give myself a pat on the back. I know what makes me go and what motivates me — hint: it is my pride and my vanity that are my strongest motivators. The moments — once numerous — of my inability to deal with myself and accept who I am and what goes on in my head at any particular moment are less and less frequent.

It is the other people I cannot deal with…

I know I shouldn't be so hard on them, or at least not so hard as I can be on myself. I don't know them, I don't know their story, I don't know what they are going through, I don't know their background or their current situation. I should refrain from judging them harshly. And yet, I do. I cannot help myself. And when in my private life, I can just adjust myself to the given person and limit or cut off any dealings or relations with that person, on a professional level I cannot. I am stuck with other people around me and left frustrated with my dealings with (most) of them. I strive very hard to be prepared for not just the situation in front of me, but for all different outcomes that might arise from that situation. You might say I strive to be prepared and perfect. I don't see that in others. And their lack of preparation and purpose and drive make my life and my work so much harder. I know I held myself back for several decades with my addiction and such, but now I feel like I am steadily growing and expanding myself in my private life where everything demands me. At the same time, in my professional life, I feel like I am being held back by the incompetence of others…