It is the “other” people.

June 25th, 2024

One thing remains the same with me for as long as I can remember. I always strived to be perfect in all my actions and overall behavior. I always strived for the idea of perfection that was honed in my mind. That was pointless, idiotic, and extremely exhausting. I noticed that and then I strived only to appear perfect, which surprisingly was even more tiring — especially for my mind, since I knew my perfection was only in my appearances aimed at others. For the last four years, I have worked on that issue and occasionally I can let myself off the hook when I know I wasn't perfect at what I did. I can give myself a break and not be too hard on myself. But for the most part, my internal drive for perfection is still there, which is my handicap for achieving a well-balanced and normal life. And here my way of thinking diverges. If I am not perfect in my life, I have only myself to blame. Or maybe not to blame so much as to chastise. Or maybe not chastise so much as use this as a learning opportunity and a stepping stone for getting better in the future. But if I don't achieve perfection because of something somebody else has done — then I am confused and angry. Of course, I blame those “other” people for not letting me achieve the ideal. They got in my way of getting something perfect and they didn't do their part — they didn't strive for perfection as I did. And then I am left to pick up the pieces and tie up loose ends to try to save what I can for my idea of perfection (that usually happens at my workplace) and to help my mind accept the fact that something will not be done as perfect as it is supposed to be. And that is even more exhausting than pretending to be perfect, since I actually have to do the work of other people to get results that are acceptable to me. I wonder is I will ever learn…