It’s better…

September 29th, 2023

I feel better, almost normal. I go about my life without dread of lifting a finger or using my mind to accomplish some thinking. It is still a long way from what I would expect from myself. There is still a throbbing in my head, but I can function on a limited level without a problem.

I visited a doctor today — I went through a lot of tests including EKG and COVID-19 and physically I am fine. It could have been just a 48-hour virus that wreaked havoc with my body and mind or some other ailment that affected my well-being, but outside of resting over the weekend, there was no other prescription.

And if that wasn't a physical problem, then my awful and sorry state was a product of my mind acting in a psychosomatic way and affecting my body. And that is scary and disappointing. I had to relearn to trust my mind after it disobeyed me and was playing tricks on me after decades of its abuse by my addiction. And I thought I could already see and react to its frivolous whims, but apparently, there are still things grinding there that come up to the surface suddenly and unexpectedly and then I am left to deal with the aftermath and pick up the pieces again. My mind plays new tricks on me, it seems. Maybe I expect too much from myself and my mind. Maybe I should concentrate on dealing with simple issues of fear and anger and lack of control and creeping paranoia — AGAIN! Maybe I need to go to the basic reactions and basic coping with difficulties to stop my mind from lording over my emotions. I have a lot of questions — for myself and for my mind, which is funny in a way since the subject of my inquiry will be providing answers… But no matter — I have no plans for the weekend except to rest and keep at peace, and will see where it will lead me.