January 6th
I quite like going back to Sokółka. Small rural town where not much ever happens. A lot of young people are leaving for bigger cities, those who stay there don’t have many opportunities — but life goes on as always before. There are a lot of towns like that in Poland. For me, Sokółka will always be a place where I got a second chance in life. That’s where I spent two months in an addiction treatment facility. The fact that I got sober and learn the tools to keep it up will always be connected in my mind to that town.
And obviously all the therapists there and other patients there, who were looking for help just like me. Today, I went there for another therapy session with Ada. I don’t know how good therapist she is but whatever she does, work perfectly fine for me. I got a couple of important points from today’s session:
- It’s normal to feel normal, I don’t need to be ecstatic or expect happiness all the time. Another sober day, or week, or a month or a year is great, and I should be happy about it, but not necessarily it has to be a reason for a celebration. That is my new normalcy.
- It’s OK to get angry or mad once in a while. I don’t need to look for some deep underlying reasons for it. Sometimes people are just assholes.
- I need to carefully watch my reactions when I’m near alcohol or drunk people. It’s fine to be disgusted by them and ashamed for them, remembering that for many years I was just like them. I can feel guilt and shame about what I did and how I was when I drank. I don’t need to dwell on that, I need to remember it but not reminiscent about.
- Sometimes, I need to accept that I would have to do something that I don’t like. Like going to today’s family dinner to say goodbye to Adam before he goes back to London. Surprisingly, that went very well. Good food, good conversation, no nervousness. It turned out better than I expected.
- And the last point, my family. We haven’t really talked about it in depth but that conversation with Ada is coming. For example, I don’t think I can share my utmost deep emotions with Adam. He’s my brother and I love him, but we never really talked about our feelings or emotions. And, it’s not just what I could say but also, if I’m ready or want to hear about Adam’s feelings and emotions.
I see that there are still a lot of things for me to work on. A lot of memories, traumas that I need to get to, to understand who I am and what made me the way I am, and how I can repair it or change it. A lot of work, but I got plenty of time, and I’m ready for it.
