January 9th
One day I will inherit a house and the garden in Pieczurki. It’s been in the family since 1947. There was a lot more land around it but starting in the 1980s I think about 80% of our land was sold. What’s left is still perfectly fine for the family, and it will be great for me. It’s rather morbid to think about this but this is reality. No one knows how many more years my mom has. I know that Adam and Agnieszka would rather sell the house and the garden. I want to keep it. We will find the way to agree to something that will satisfy all sides.
Since yesterday, I wasn’t feeling good. I was angry for no reason. Angry at myself, people in the store, people on the streets, my work, my colleagues, the weather, my dog…… Everyone and everything was not right. I started to get those thoughts where I create the worst possible scenario in my head. I know I have to avoid it. If this goes on for too long it will wind me up. And that can lead to alcohol craving. It wasn’t just that, I also couldn’t keep still, I was tired, and had to be moving. I couldn’t sit still to read a book, or to check my phone. I slept poorly, and that was very surprising because since I stopped drinking, my sleep was perfect. Every night I would fall asleep within 5–10 minutes of going to bed, and sleep without interruption for at least six hours.
In the morning I felt a little better. Weather was lousy, it was snowing, it was wet, it was slippery… I did some shopping for myself and for mom and went to visit her. I could still feel this anger brewing inside me. It was very concerning, and I fully expected that very soon it will turn into a full-blown craving.
Before I went home, I went to the garden to shovel some snow. I spent about half an hour doing that. I cleared the sidewalk in front of the house and the pathway from the house to the outhouse and to the garden. Immediately I started getting better. My anger was gone, I was calm. I regained a lot of energy. After getting home, even though I felt tired, I went to do some more shopping for mom. Then two hours doing deep cleaning in the house. It’s evening already, and I still feel fine, there is still a lot of energy and will to do something.
This is something very important to remember, just a little of physical work, especially the work that gives me pleasure like doing something in the garden, changes my mood right away. Another very important thing to be used in my recovery.
