June 27th

I am extremely jealous. I am wrongly and creepy jealous of others, and that is even though I promised myself that I won’t care about others and what they do and how they are. And for a while, I was able to do it. I was able to look at myself and care for myself only. Everything else was just an irrelevant chatter I could ignore. I was happy with the way things were going. Well, it seems like I am not happy anymore. And it looks like I have myself to blame because I again look at others as a reference point toward me and my life — which is wrong and stupid and downright infantile.

I am not a kid anymore, a sulking kid that can be jealous of the popularity of others and the nice and shiny things others might have. But I am jealous of other people who can make a decision easily and quickly and stick with it. I take a long time to make a decision, and every decision is made only after long deliberations where I need to check all the potential results and potential problems. I am jealous of people who seem not to have any problems planning well ahead for their lives and future needs and actions. I am incapable of it — I mean I do have a plan and clear needs and wants for the future but I cannot force myself to start doing small things that would lead me to it. I am jealous of people who seem to be unworried about where the world is going and seem unperturbed about all the lies and violence and grift and various phobias that are common to the conservative point of view which is gaining more and more political power. I do worry about the moment when we and our generation will be awakened too late to do anything to stop our descent into the new dark ages.

Of course, I don’t know how much of what I see in others is their actual demeanor and their real behavior. All that may be just a face they keep without showing their real feelings, and in actuality, they are just as worried and indecisive as me. In this case, I am jealous of pretentious pretending and acting cool. Which might be even worse than just being jealous of things I imagined they do better than me.



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