Jealousy (next part of many…)

April 9th, 2024

I felt a sharp pang in my heart. |Then a hot flush all over me, especially my face. Then regret hit me like a ton of bricks — regret about some choices I made in my life. Then anger in me rose up against something, or someone rather undefined. Then I engaged in furious mind gymnastics to explain to myself what I heard, belittle it (and the people in question), and try to find solace in the lofty dismissal of the whole situation as an aberration and just a complete wrongdoing at all levels.

I was jealous. And what is worse — I was jealous of material things. I feel dirty now. I thought I was better than that. I thought I did not care about such mundane things. Apparently, I was wrong. Maybe I wasn't completely in the wrong here, since I either do not get or can easily dismiss any jealousy I might have about nice and shiny things other people enjoy. Usually, that is — today it was different. I can see that I still have a lot of work in front of me. I want to get better. I want to be better than that.

I can forgive myself for being jealous of many things. I can forgive myself for being jealous of somebody’s imagination or artistic skill — because I can work on that to get to a better level than I am now. I can forgive myself for being jealous of somebody's physical prowess — because I can work on myself to get better and closer to a higher level. But there are cases when I know I will not get to the level of financial solvency that would allow me to get things that cost a lot of money. And that is bothering me — I cannot change my past and there is nothing I can do to suddenly become a millionaire. And I don't think I would want to. So why this sudden and sharp jealousy? I don't like it at all.