Joyous confidence

June 12th, 2023

I don't worry about any gain or loss, in any matter— emotional or material, or personal. That can be interpreted as a naive or innocent state of being. I’ll plead and go with innocence, since I know I am already naive enough as it is. And that innocence in me is something that I unconsciously feel as a remembrance and celebration of childhood. It is a joyous confidence that only a child can feel, and feel it without being aware of it. Of course, that has to be a happy child, and since I don't remember if I was one — I might be compensating myself for that elusive happiness into a sublimation of well-adjusted adulthood.

And I have no problem with that.

A child has no anxiety about losing things. Every possession or experience of a child passes through love (albeit in many cases very short but intensive love) and is retained as an image — never to be lost. Possibly hidden inside the recesses of the mind, but still safely somewhere there. That is where that confidence comes for me now — from feeling rich with fulfillment and wholeness. This is an infantile wish that has nothing to do with rationality. And this happiness, although deferred by decades, is explicit.

And as an aside, that is why so many rich and successful people are constantly unhappy — money and possession are not infantile wishes or dreams.

I don't see any need to again go through an initiation into the existing and proper order of things in the mundane world. I already tried that and didn't find any happiness there. I want to remain faithful to the core of myself that I only recently rediscovered anew. There are wonders there that are mine and ripe already for sharing. And deepening with all the current emotions I no longer hide or ignore.