June 1st

I have a long weekend coming up — a national religious holiday on Thursday and a day off on Friday and I should be happy. But I am not. I haven’t planned that time as I would like to. Again, I accepted ideas from other people — my mom and my sister to be exact — mostly about “what needs to be done” since I will have time off and that time off can be used how THEY see fit. No one really asked me if I can or even want to do what they planned or what are MY plans for those days. And again, I didn’t say no, I just nodded my head and confirmed — “whatever, I will do it, I will be there”. Why did I do that? I guess to avoid any arguments and potential conflicts and to show how great a son and a brother I am.

And I am again pissed and angry at myself.

I lost (some) of my ability to be assertive and self-confident that I worked very hard during my therapy to accomplish. I guess it is back to square one with that. I need to go back to the level of confidence that I regained in recent months and then suddenly lost. I need to figure what I did better then and what I am not doing now. That is also something to discuss during my therapy sessions — and here I had an appointment for Thursday with Anna and I postponed it so I can accommodate my family and their needs… What else can I say? And what about my needs? I need to again look at myself first, and if that will make me look like a selfish ass in eyes of some people so be it! It’s me, my life, and my needs.