June 2nd

I cannot control my emotions….

For all the improvements that I accomplished while sober, that is something that I still have a huge problem with. My emotions take over me, my mood and my thoughts and reactions. Like today — my sister and her fiancée were supposed to come over from Warsaw to visit mom. It was a big deal since it was their first visit in 10 months. First, there was information that they will be arriving on a later train than initially planned (and that was a problem for me since I was supposed to pick them up from the train station). Then — only my sister will be arriving, and her fiancée will come over tomorrow (supposedly because he has an anxiety attack). Now, he might not be coming at all. There is this family/relationship drama that nobody needs and nobody (except for my sister and her fiancée) really knows what is going on. My mom is so nervous because of this situation that she now has a high blood pressure and palpitations (after work I stopped at mom’s for a minute, I had several things that I wanted to discuss with her and couldn’t — she is so beside herself that she barely registered that I was there.

And I cannot concentrate, I cannot occupy my mind with something else but this whole situation. I know that I cannot do anything about it, only to talk to my sister — if she wants to talk and tell me the truth and reassure my mom that this beyond our control, and she should wait for my sister to arrive and then talk to her. And I am getting nervous myself because of all that. Angry too, don’t know exactly at whom or what, but anger is definitely there. And this is a start to my long weekend and I cannot even concentrate on my plans because I don’t know what is going on, will my sister’s fiancée be arriving tomorrow, how long will they stay, will I be needed for something? I don’t know, and it bothers me. I am not in control of things beyond me, and I am losing control over my emotions and feelings.