Just a little bit of jealousy

September 22nd

I am fine!

My life is fine and dandy.

I cannot imagine a better and more put together and predictable and just solid life than mine right now. Until something happens, and suddenly I can, with this little nagging jealousy that pricks me somewhere inside.

I have noticed something unusual. My coworkers increasingly talk about their partners, wives or husbands in a more clearly tender and warmer way than I heard before. It seems that a difficult situation that affects everyone with unpredictable global affairs and financial woes and inflation and recession brings renew partnership among people. It is much easier to face any problems with a trusted and reliable person by your side. And the appreciation of those closest significant others is more visible and more often happening in those uncertain times.

And that is when the jealousy hits me. I am alone. Not lonely, but not in any kind of romantic or friendly or useful relationship. I never had the need to be with somebody, anybody, just because that was expected of people of a certain age. My past relationships just happened. And when they were over I went my own way without looking for the next one. The same with friendships — it was never easy for me to establish a close relationship with another person. And when that still happened, in most cases after a while I let it slip away.

As I said, I am fine. But being fine doesn't mean that it cannot be even better. And I strive to be better. My life can be better with another person by my side. It might not as well — but I won’t know it unless I try. Then I can see and decide if the relationship makes my life better, or I can just go back to the easy familiarity of my current life.

I guess I don't have an option but to try. And actually — I want to try, even if for a sake of a new experience. Or an old experience felt anew with a sober mind this time.