Keeping up appearances

May 19th, 2023

I didn’t expect my life to become as formulaic as an old sitcom. It is actually only about my work life since my personal life is booming with excitement — but it still takes 8 hours a day and 40 hours of a week of my time I could use for something better and more interesting. I am in week 3 of my 9 weeks notice period. By law — it should be 12 weeks but I was able to negotiate it down to 9 weeks and there still is a month and a half before my final day.

So I come in, make my morning tea for much longer than usual, have a small talk here and there, pay more attention to each email, and take much longer to be comprehensive with each answer. I go through the motions I developed over the last seven years still doing what is expected of me and so my things are tidied up for a person who will take over for me and so I will leave with a clean slate and clean conscience without any bitter aftertaste.

There are still moments when I have to switch up into a higher gear and do something out of the ordinary — and I now actually look forward to those interludes that I dreaded before. But mostly I slide through the hallways and by desks in open spaces and by other people with their problems and issues. Slide by with calmness and professional care but mostly with — dare I say — boredom. There is no point in starting any long-term projects or getting involved with the drama and gossip prevalent there and there. And I am not crazy enough to volunteer any of my time to other people or issues. And day-to-day issues are so much easier once the pressure of permanency is removed. So I keep a pretentious appearance of still being busy and involved and helpful while not really caring. That is very unusual for me, that is very new for me. I don’t feel well about it, but I also try not to dwell on it. I don’t dwell on a lot of things recently — that is another change that had no idea I needed but I am not going to dwell on it as well. By conviction.