Lack of self-care

August 17th, 2023

There was a time in my life when a well-shaped stick was a treasure to behold. A particularly round stone was better than any pearl. A rusty mechanism was a wonder to explore and take apart. A few colorful pieces of glass were an introduction to alchemy. It was simpler to take care of myself when I was a child. All I needed was imagination and a lack of preconceived conditioned behavior traits — or social hangups. And I had both in abundance…

I noticed today that for a while I didn’t really take care of myself. It was especially evident in the last few weeks. Things were just going on and happening almost by themselves. And me — I was just a ragdoll thrown around by forces I resigned myself to. Those were not even any strong forces, just a push here and pull there and pinprick here and there. I think the fact that I noticed it today might not be correct as well — I allowed myself to notice that today when for previous weeks I knew something was not right with me, but studiously I avoided any thinking about it, and even more not taking any action to alleviate deep anxiety that got hold of me.

Something was ticking in my head but I paid no heed to it. And I feel today that my lack of attention (willing or not — that is still to be analyzed by me) brought me to an awful place of gloomy and anxiety-riddled despondency. Well, at least I am aware of what ails me. I can do something now to alleviate it. I know that it will not happen overnight, especially since for the weekend I will be busy and not by my design. But at least I see the underlining reasons for my emotional state. Maybe soon I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.