Let’s talk it out

September 27th, 2023

I am in a deep state of anxiety. You know, the one where you cannot eat anything because your throat is closed with a long cramp, where you feel unusual lightness in a midriff, where your knees feel weak, and where you cannot keep a sharp focus (or any focus for that matter) on anything that you see in front of you. That kind of anxiety.

So let's talk it out.

I feel like I have made a mistake after a mistake at work, like I lost the plot of what I am doing and what I am supposed to be doing. That leads to verbal aggressiveness and backstabbing from people in managerial positions against me. Or maybe I am just imagining it and slowly descending into paranoia. I am not paranoid now and per se — if I was, then I wouldn't feel like all that is happening, but I would be sure it is happening. But some signs are definitely there and are quite worrying. I was fine and dandy and strong in my resolve for a long while, for years in truth. Of course, there were some moments when I felt down and inadequate and not really in control. And that might be that — I don't feel in control. This is a new job, I have only been there for three months and I don't know how I can react to things happening that don't go right and how far I can push myself. That might be visible to others and they might have been trying to take advantage of my inexperience and timidness — or maybe that is just another sliver of brewing paranoia. I don't know. What I know is that I feel on edge, like I constantly have butterflies in my stomach when, in reality, I am in the safety of my home where I should feel safe and secure. I don't. I am prone to anxiety attacks, but there was nothing of this kind for a long while and now I have to relearn how to deal with it anew.