Let’s talk it out

March 28th, 2024

For thirty or more years, all my important conversations have taken place within my head. It was comfortable and familiar and predictable. It was so ingrained within my psyche, that I had nothing to say out loud to anybody about anything. That was a huge mistake that led me down the addiction spiral. I am trying to rectify this now. And it works. It is still not easy to open up to a different person, but I cannot argue with the results.

Two days ago, I was out in the evening with people from work and a manager visiting from headquarters. I try to avoid going out since I know that others will be drinking there, and I don't like it and don't need to add problems to what I already have on my plate. I couldn't avoid it on Tuesday, and there was a particular situation that arose then — a guy in our group was heavily drinking during supper, and was drinking only to get drunk. I know since that was like me for many many years. Seeing that brought back a lot of bad memories and triggered alcohol cravings in me. Not right away, but yesterday I was already growing angry, and anxiety attacks started to take over my emotional state. This morning, anxiety turned into severe panic. That was affecting my whole well-being. So I did what I learned in therapy — I talked it out. With family members — I just told them what was going on and how I felt and that brought relief right away. What I said couldn't have been easy for them to hear, but my words were met with love and support. Even if that meant changing plans that we already had set. Now, even though there is still some nagging aftermath of the anxiety, I feel fine. Simple talk, simple honest talk means so much and can solve so much. I learned it late, but not too late. And I will use it for my benefit whenever it is needed. It feels great to be honest and open to others.