Lies

October 13th

“We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.”
― Eric Hoffer

I learned this hard way. I lied so much to myself that I could no longer distinguish between what is a lie and what is the truth. Lies repeated enough times have become the established truth that I didn’t question and I didn’t let any nagging doubts about it change this perception in my head. I lied to myself about myself the most — that I don’t have a problem, that I am strong enough to change my ways, that I am not addicted (I just like alcohol a lot), that I need it to survive in this cruel world, that I can stop any time (but not now, because I don’t want to just yet….), that I will show them, all of them, what I am made of. I lied to myself about other people as well — that it is all their fault, that they hold me back, that it is because of them that I drink, that they don’t understand me, that they actually work and plot against me. That swirl of lies in my head gave me an excuse to drink and to never feel the need to work on myself. Why would I do that since I am already great and all problems in my life are caused by a lack of understanding and the ill will of others? That was just so much bullshit in my thinking.

That changed when I finally admitted to myself that my foundations and my behavior toward myself and toward others are based on lies. It took a lot of unpleasant and difficult work to untangle all that. It would not be possible without professional help from my therapists but I put a good shift doing it by myself as well. I learned that when I catch myself doing it (and I still do, it is not possible to completely eliminate) to laugh about it at my mind for even trying to pull the fast on me again — no, I will not lie to myself anymore. The worst truth is better than the best lie. My conscious is clear now, and I sleep a lot better without this web of lies in my head.