Limited creativity

June 26th

Hazy, heavy heat pregnant with humidity simmers in the air. It overwhelms and pushes the air down where it sticks to every surface with an oppressive obsession. This sweaty closeness is too much to bear, it is too intimate to find a room for an easy breath.

Everything is muted as well. Birds are active only before sunrise, and children don’t run and shout and play like before. Summer is here, and it kicks on a high note earlier than a year before. And earlier than a decade ago. And much more powerfully and angry in intensity and timing to summers I remember from 40 years ago.

It should be a time for rest, for enjoying the work done over the winter and spring. But there is no rest this year — people are moving like they are in a mazy molasses, in circles and without a clear idea where they are going. Everybody wants to do something, anything, but to no avail. Slowly, everyone circles back to a starting point with whispered questions — “what now?”, “what will happen?”, “how much worse will tomorrow be?”, and “where is my breaking point?”.

I feel mostly numb to everything that is going around me. Either with family issues or global issues or personal financial issues. The question is the same every time — “why bother when I don’t know what will tomorrow bring”. The inability to plan ahead is disabling any life verve that should come with the sun and summer and travels and the potential to do so many things.

I find my ability to be creative — either in writing or reading or in choice of music or my travel plans or just in abstract thinking — diminished tremendously. It is still there, and without any problems, just with a small touch — I can make something in my mind. But there is no enjoyment in it. It feels like a routine, with no elation that usually surrounds me. Yes — that is the problem — I cannot find much joy in anything or with anyone. I am going through the motions and that is not good enough for me. Life without joy is not enough. I got used to happiness and smile and random amazements which are gone now.