Lost memories

August 25th, 2024

A song I heard brought back a lot of memories. They just came flooding my mind with scenes and faces and situations I haven't thought about for a long time. Most likely I haven't thought about those memories since that song was popular about twenty years ago. Since then, that particular song has become irrelevant just as those memories in my head. What I remember is not what happened. I caught myself in the midst of enjoying some nostalgia about some specific time in my life, suddenly realizing that what I remember, what is embedded in my head, is not what really happened. And what I remembered was so clear, so logical, so making sense, so explaining a lot about myself and my development as a person. What is worse — while being fully aware of the falseness of my memory, I kept on dwelling on the made-up nostalgic story in my mind.

The made-up memories were pleasant, easy to digest, and didn't require any introspection. Or rather, they provided an introspection that put me in a good light, gave me good excuses, and let me put the blame on others without any need to look at myself. Also, it gave an absolution from my actions and my behavior at that time. It was like a move was made in my head about some situation where I am a hero and recipient of adulation. I kept thinking about that time and that particular situation and about the true nature of what happened then and then another curious thing happened — I started to remember that situation in a completely different way. The way where I was fully responsible for what happened and I was completely irresponsible in my behavior and actions. I was just a terrifyingly terrible person — mostly towards myself. And again, I caught myself realizing that is also not true. It might be truer to the truth, but the violent loathing of myself from that time in the past was misguided and only compensatory to the fact that today I don't remember what and how really happened then.