Lying to myself
November 19th
Well, I guess I can call it progress — it only took me a better half of a day to figure out that I was lying to myself. Again. I wondered why do I feel the way I was feeling. I was feeling angry and confused and distracted by a need to keep a good and happy face. And registering those emotions made me look for some excuses or explanations to justify them. I started to create stories in my head as a solution to why I was having negative thoughts. Every single of those stories was a lie and a very far-fetched lie at that. I wondered why those lies don't make me feel better, or at least normal. And then I realized that I just don't believe them myself, no matter how beautifully I make them look to appear in my head. I was lying to myself, and my consciousness (or moral fiber) was having none of it.
Of course, there was an easier way. All I had to do was to accept that I am not perfect, that I can have a bad day, that I don't need to be on all the time, and that I might spend a day at home —while canceling all previously made engagements for today — and still feel good about myself. I don't need to look for excuses to be lazy and disorganized. I can be that — once in a while. And excuses might be a wrong word — I think it is better to call it outright lies. I don't need to pretend that I am sitting at home in my old sweatpants, and I am not out with people because of some outside force or some perceived slight or some abstract fear. No, all that is just me being selfish and lazy. And that is still ok. I don't have to make up stories and lies in my head to feel better about myself. My consciousness is very attuned to lies and punishes me for lying to myself by feeling pangs of remorse — when in actuality I haven't done anything wrong. Except, I wanted to be perfect and pretentiously innocent (in my own image) and couldn't accept a slight blemish on my personality. I hope I will remember that lesson in the future — I wasted half of Saturday fighting myself and feeling down for no other reason but to keep up pretenses of perfectness. I think I should know better already.
