Manageable gloom
January 11th, 2023
To quote a great man (Johnny Cash that is)— “I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don't know when”. That is the story so far in the last few weeks. Nothing but gloominess and dreariness and constant drizzle with occasional snow. Temperatures steadily around zero, and constant and prevalent and overwhelming grayness of overcast sky. Everything is slimy from perpetual freezing and thawing, and dirty brown and without any solid form. I know the calendar says winter, but that is not winter at all. It is like the worst of November and March combined into persistent desolation.
And then there is the sun. Or rather lack of it. There is a heavy and expanded in all directions thick layer of clouds blocking the sky and weighing heavily on everybody and all thoughts and emotions. Days without an end go by without so much as a glimpse of a single ray of sunlight. There is no visible moon and stars at night as well, so there is no chance to bask in even a fake reflection (that is an oxymoron I think — all reflections are fake and deceptive) of our star. Or to even tell if our sun is still there, raising daily for benefit of some other people.
And then there is me. And surprisingly, I am doing fine. Ok, I would love to be doing better, but my life and my emotions are manageable. Even without the sun and in the ceaseless gloominess that surrounds me. I know it will get better — maybe later this week, next week, next month, or soon after that. Anyway — winter and the depressing shoddiness in our lives will end. All we need to do is to give it some time, and not give in to downing hopelessness. My days go by with a well-kept and well-organized routine. That helps me manage my feelings without falling too deep into melancholia. Melancholia is still there, and sadness as well — but on a level that is not overwhelming. Hope for spring is eternal and hard-wired into me. I managed previous winters, for better or worse — I will manage this one as well. Especially when this time I am conscious of my life and flowing time and scaled-down expectations.
