Manic episode

May 11th, 2023

I think I had one at the beginning of the week. And I think it was for the first time in my life. Or at least the first time in that part of my life I remember. I felt inexhaustible levels of energy. I talked a lot and fast. My thoughts were rushing and I was no longer thinking or being judicial before speaking. And I was speaking eloquently and with the right meaning and conviction. Multiple changes to my life were on my mind and I felt that I could do anything and achieve everything and could easily be much better than I ever was. That lasted only a few hours, although the previous days were slowly leading to that episode. I knew that my behavior had changed, I knew that I thought and talked differently than usual. I told myself I needed to pace my thinking and doing and I wasn't sure I liked that new me. I think I was afraid of what would happen once the euphoria wears off.

And I hadn't waited too long to find out. The night brought all the answers in a terrible manner — I couldn't sleep, I had nightmares, I had extremely depressive thoughts, I was tossing and turning, and finally I was feeling exhausted but no rest and regeneration were coming. Since that happened for the first time in my life, I was surprised and wasn't sure how to act. All I knew was not to try to do too much. That is an adage that I keep close to my heart and at hand in my mind to foresee any potential fatigue that I know is a trigger point for me. I feel much better today and I am searching for answers to what has caused it — and I know there were no artificial stimuli of any kind imbibed by me and my routine wasn't changed — although some parts of my life were sharpened by recent events. My stress level was about the same as always — or so I thought. I recently made arrangements to change my job (after six months of searching and rejection). Last week I finalized all the legal details and I don't feel the pressure of going to a new workplace yet — since I will start there at the beginning of July. But I cannot reject the thought that this long process — and especially the multiple rejections I experienced along the way — was causing me a lot of unexplored stress. And the moment I achieved what I wanted, this stress left my mind and body and I reacted with unbridled enthusiasm and an exhausting manic episode. That was quite interesting to experience, but moderation is the way to go for me — so again, I will watch myself carefully and this time with better knowledge so it doesn't happen again.