March 13th
I remember this song being huge in the early 90s. I am surprised that it didn’t have a success on the charts but for some time in 1992–1993 it was everywhere on the radio in the NYC metropolitan area, and it was being played constantly on the MTV. Great pop-rock catchy tune, and one of those songs that sound so happy but are actually about dark subject when you listen to the lyrics — in this case an addiction (I think the best example of a song like that is “Pumped Up Kicks” by Foster the People). Early 90s are the only period of time in the modern era, that from musical standpoint can rival the late 60s — but that is such a complex and voluminous subject that I could probably write a book about it. But I won’t, most likely I will write some blog post on that.
I remembered this song thinking about — yeah, you guessed it — jealousy. I am envious that in English that feeling (or emotions) can be described by two separate words — jealousy and envy. In Polish for example there is only one word to describe — “zazdrość”. I don’t think that I was ever jealous about another person, another person’s love or another person’s choice that wasn’t me. I had a very low self-esteem and rejection or not even being noticed was something completely normal for me, a given. I couldn’t be jealous — I knew my place in life’s scheme of relationships and love.
Now envy on the other hand…. Yep, I was so envious all the time
- Envious of normal families when growing up in a dysfunctional one.
- Envious of kids that were confident and cool.
- Envious of kids that didn’t suffer from terrible acne and weren’t made fun of by girls at school.
- Envious of “normies” that weren’t addicted and went through their lives with a plan.
- Envious of people with healthy habits, people that were doing something with their lives.
- Envious of people that could afford nice things and were capable of saving and budgeting.
- Envious of people that didn’t give a fuck about others, while I lived in paralyzing fear and anxiety of any human interactions.
There could be a lot more examples like that. I was envious because I would constantly compare myself to other people. Why? I guess no one told me that I don’t have to. No one told me that life is not a binary game. There are no common rules to what every person can understand as success in life (Ok, one rule — don’t hurt others). And now I am getting better at that. My sobriety and therapy helps me a lot — I know that the only person I need to please is me
And I am a demanding, unforgiving and very hard to please.
But I don’t hate myself anymore, and that is a good start. Actually, I quite like myself and my transformation so far. I am sure others can envy me now — and I am fine with that.
