March 2nd

I cannot write a lot today, cannot concentrate and I feel tears in my eyes. That’s because I am happy, I feel truly happy and blessed. I feel so happy I am lightheaded and feel almost like my whole body is trembling. All that because of my family — I love them, I care for them, I want them to be happy. I will try to do whatever I can to make their lives easier and never to disappoint them again. They still have my back, after all that bad, selfish and downright awful and nasty things I’ve done to them (especially my mom) over the years when I drank. Then love me, and I sometimes don’t know how to react to that. I am learning or re-learning my emotions and my feelings again — now being sober. I am lucky I have them, I am lucky that they care for me. Sometimes I feel like I don’t really deserve this, all that happiness in my life. What can I do — live my life sober and never, ever disappoint them again. Show them my love and accept theirs. Accept their failings and foibles like they accepted mine. Without them — I wouldn’t be here, and I mean it literally — I would be dead already. They never gave up on me and I want to make them happy as best as I can — that is a huge reward for me and my sobriety. I know they are already proud of me and that is the reason to keep fighting my addiction. That gives me so much strength to keep going every day. I love my mom and my brother and my sister and my aunt, and I know they love me!