March 8th

Am I ready for a relationship? I am a loner by choice and by character. Even in my marriage I wanted to be independent, I needed to spend time alone. Most of the time I feel fine with my life and my independent lifestyle — especially now that I am sober. I know I can do and accomplish a lot of things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I was in a relationship.

And yet, there are times when I need a closeness of another person. It doesn’t just mean sex, on the contrary — someone to hold me close, someone to ruffle my hair, someone that would just touch me. And of course someone that I could do the same to.

I met Ela more than 30 years ago, we were in high school. I was madly in love with her, she was extremely popular, so — you know, nothing happened. We were friends then, and we stayed friends for all this time. We kept in touch by mail (POSTAL mail — yeah, we are that old), by phone, by e-mails, by early internet messengers and of course in person. Every time I visited Poland I would make sure that we would meet.

Now we are close — again as friends — we talk to each other a lot by phone, see each other once in the while. Last weekend I helped her with putting together new furniture. I get along with her sons — well, with Marek (the older one) at least. Tomek (the younger one) is going through a “phase” now and is angry at everything and everybody, so we don’t even talk at all…

I like her, and she likes me, we like to spend time together, even our families know each other. So, what is the problem? Last Saturday, we went for a kiss when I was leaving, and I smelt alcohol on her breath.

Yeah, that’s the problem. That’s my fucking problem. What do I do now? I cannot ask her not to ever drink again. Or what could be worst — tall her to drink in a way that I don’t see it and know it? No one told me that becoming sober and staying sober will be easy. But this is fucking bullshit, and it is only my fault. How do I build a relationship with this mental defect — that I cannot be around alcohol at all. I just don’t know… I will talk to Ada during my therapy on Sunday, hopefully we can find some solution.