Masks
January 7th, 2024
I have worn various masks for more than thirty years of my life. I stopped wearing most of them as my default face a little over three years ago. Some of them I still keep on hand so I can slip them over my real face once in a while when a need arises and by my decision. Some of the masks that I thought I got rid of, still appear suddenly and hide my face behind a familiar artificial indifference when a situation arises without me knowing or even noticing it. Only after a while, do I realize that my real face is not showing and I am pretending not to be myself but just what is expected of me to be. When that happens, I usually keep the mask on since I figure it has covered my face and my emotions for a reason. Then I look for that reason behind the safety of pretended reactions depicted on that mask. When I see the reason for the mask, I still keep it for a little longer until I figure out if it is worth it to reveal my real face and my true emotions. That happens less and less, since more and more I abhor pretending. That comes to me easier but not completely painlessly, since for most of my life I only pretended to be someone I was not and I know it well and I was very good at it. Old habits die hard, but they do die with some effort and awareness. When going gets tough, or I have to admit making a mistake, or I avoid making mistakes by refusing to make a choice in the matter — then old and familiar masks come in handy. Still, I like the progress of getting better at not using masks, and I am especially proud of not making new ones. The old masks that I still have will eventually wither and fade away. There will be no new masks to replace them and my face will always be real, and for all matters, be truly mine.
