May 11th
I need to learn how to “switch off” once I log off from work. I’ve been telling myself that for a long time, and yet still I am not able to do it completely. I did make a progress — for the weekends I am able for most of the time not to think about work and what happened the previous week and what I need to do this coming Monday. That’s good, a small step in the right direction. Many of my weekends (during my drinking days) were ruined by work-related stuff, that always gave me a “reason” and an “excuse” to drink (not that I particularly needed any justification, but in my mind that put in the clear).
I had last Friday and Monday off work. Nice extended weekend — I was able to most of what I planned, to get some relaxation and “me time” as well. Today, back at work, I felt crushed by everything that had to be done by me and done asap. All the emails, the phone calls, the teleconferences…. I didn’t know where to start, how to organize all that happened in my job in only two days when I was on vacation. I worked 10 hours today and barely made a dent, tomorrow I will start at 6 am to try to catch up with all the backlog. And there are more teleconferences and files to prepare and forecasts to do, and I already know it will be a tough day and a tough rest of the week.
But at 4 pm I logged off the computer, went to do some shopping, made diner, and thought about going for a walk or a bike ride. I just couldn’t — I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened at work, the sheer quantity of things to be done. I couldn’t stop thinking about what that person said, what that person meant by that, how can I solve this or that problem… I didn’t switch off my mind of the work issues — I wanted to do it, but I couldn’t and had no idea how to even start.
That is a serious issue for me — work problems, work drama, the quantity of work, incompetence of others, lack of clear direction — those are all my triggers. I’m dealing with them quite fine now and drinking hasn’t crossed my mind today. But I know if I don’t deal with them right away, if I let them linger and stew inside me — that will lead to cravings. And I want to and need to do everything possible to avoid it. Also, I don’t want to (and I don’t need to) put myself to the test. I want to be able to finish my work for the day and go about my things, my interest without my mind being preoccupied with my job.
Is that too much to ask? How can I do it? At this point, I am even willing to look for some self-help videos and websites on that subject. In the long run, I know that not being able to let go of work after I finish for the day, will do me no good and will create mental illusions and needs that I want to avoid. And I want to prevent any addiction triggers and cravings before they even start.
