May 12th

When I realize all the changes that have happened within me and to me since my therapy and since I stopped drinking, I feel astounded at myself. Finally, I do with ease things that responsible and grown-up people do without thinking and that amazes me. All that is still brand new to experience for me. And what surprises me the most is my self-confidence.

I had non when I was drinking, I don’t think I thought it was possible for me to face my life, to face other people and my duties or problems in it with any confidence. Hell, I couldn’t even face myself in the mirror. And now I am positively bursting with it — mind, I watch it carefully, so it doesn’t turn into arrogance.

I have two lists of things I want to do and accomplish (those lists change frequently, some things are added, some crossed out) — one for long-term goals, one just for the upcoming month. I no longer look at the list and things I want to do and look for excuses not to start them or reasons to postpone them. I just start — make a phone call, set up an appointment, arrange what I need, talk to whoever, buy whatever is needed. It really is that simple — I don’t let things linger in my mind without any action.

It is a self-propelling circle — I do and accomplish things because of my self-confidence and that in turn feeds my feeling of self-confidence even more, so I can accomplish even more and…. You get the gist of it.

How simple and amazing is that! I am still astonished by how wonderful life can be, how simple and yet fulfilling. And no, my life is far from being a perfect, happy idyll — but now I am in control! And I feel that control for the first time in life. I AM responsible for my actions, I set my goals and try to meet them (and if I fail or lose interest in that one or the other, I just move to something else, to another goal without any regret). There is still a lot of time for me to try all I want to and planned for — so I better get busy.